I am frightened to my core that this is the beginning. Like a journal, I am blank pages that stretch for the rest of my life, the ones that come before unintelligible, unreadable, dark.
I was born in a river town in the middle of this nation that made and continues to make me. My parents were school teachers and while I sometimes feel that I just survived my childhood, I know there was love and plenty where there was also, also, also. Things could have turned out differently, but we can all say that. Tell me we can all say that.
My first memories are of helping to name my sister, who was coming, coming closer, coming home. I have no past that doesn’t include her. We grew up simply, and then. And then. And then.
I have lived so long with illness that it has become my whole story. I know myself only by my scars. I cry when I realize this, and that this brokenness, this body is my identity.
I am on the other side, but where do I go from here?
After this second time – so broken, so bloody, such a slim chance that we’d see today, today, and today – my husband told me that we’re just going to do whatever. we. want. That we’d say yes to everything.
He is my secret keeper, my brave new world, my autumn afternoon, and my red hot flower. He is the strongest. He moves the day.
When asked, all I can say is that we’re a good fit. And then I hope it to be so.
I am the howl. I am not sorry.
He who has known.
who has seen me when I was nothing.
who has been with me when I had nothing.
who has led me beside still waters.
who has called from below my balcony.
who has shone the light in the forest.
who has carried me to the stone and back again.
who has known, has known, has known.
I went to Utah and it changed my life.
I was seen for who I was and it changed my life.
I was sick and I was sick and I was well and it changed my life.
I forgot how to talk to strangers and remembered again and it changed my life.
I talked to a new mother and it changed my life.
I came home.
It changed my life.
It’s time to start living with the changes, to begin that life I promised myself.
I taste these words with a soldier’s mouth and drive on.
(Words written after visiting here. I don’t know what direction I’m heading with this blog, but I think today changes things. So here we go.)